Month: November 2023

Oh, Great Swamee….

/ cigarman501 / 3 Comments

“Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.” ― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

I don’t know if it is spelled Swamee or Swami. The Hindu spelling is Swami but I’m more into the hillbilly, Junior Samples spelling, Swamee and don’t want to make fun of a religion I don’t understand. I reserve the right to make fun of religions I understand.

Before the grammar police hit me up, don’t. Instead, visualize Johnny Carson as Carnac the Magnificent. Ed McMann baritone echoes in my mind, “And now, the great seer, soothsayer, and sage, Carnac the Magnificent.”

Carnac’s last appearance on the Johnny Carson show.

My mind is crowded this morning, Doris Day is crooning “Que será, será, whatever will be, will be, the future’s not ours to see, que será, será,” and it is playing on an endless loop. You would think that one of the voices in my head would hit “End” or at least turn down the volume.

The simplest things send me down pig trails and activate the voices that argue in my head. It can get crowded. This time it was my close friend, Lynn, who was advertising her business with an offer to end all offers. You see, Lynn is also a great seer, soothsayer, and sage but looks nothing like Johnny Carson…a little like Doris Day?

What is her business? She provides on-line psychic readings and is offering to predict what 2024 will have to offer. I made a joke about the Great Swamee and here I am. Voices argue while my pig trail falls into a rabbit hole the size of the Grand Canyon.

After 2023, why would I really want to know what 2024 has to offer? I would only want to know if certain physical maladies are going to correct themselves and if a certain Orange Marmalade Monster will go down like burned toast in a blazing defeat.

As Riordan‘s beginning quote told us, “Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing” unless IT IS a good thing and includes knowing when to buy that billion dollar winning lottery ticket.

If you could know the future, would you want to? Would you really wish to know the date of your day of reckoning? I lean toward not knowing when the “The Flying Spaghetti Monster” is going to drop his cosmic meatball on my head. I like surprises.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

A rendering of Noodles: The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Too sacrilegious for my religious friends? It’s okay, I haven’t gone over to the dark side but I’m spiritual and believe that cosmically when my time is done on Earth my matter and energy will be converted to something else ala Conservation of Mass and Energy. That being said, I guess I could find my mass and energy damned to the fiery hell of the Sun’s surface. That is something to ponder.

I don’t believe I’m being blasphemous. My God has a sense of humor, and I am on a first name basis with him. He calls me Don and I call him Herb. I thought Herb sounded good along with Jesus. It sounded like a singing group. One of the voices in my head now sounds like Ed Sullivan introducing them, “And now, singing their number one hit, ‘You Nailed Me’…America’s Duo…Jesus and Herb.” How hot is the Sun’s surface?

In all honesty, Herb doesn’t call me anything. I speak to Herb often, but I never hear from him. He has ghosted me for seventy-three years. A soft, breathy, and sultry voice joins the others, “You big dummy. You are trying to pray to the wrong person. You can call me Sage…not the herb Sage, the wise Sage.”

I told you my rabbit hole was the size of the Grand Canyon…and somewhat blasphemous. Forgive me for my sins Herb…or rather Sage.

Is my friend really a psychic? I don’t know. I do know she is an empath who knows what to say at just the right time. At any rate, if you are interested, for a mere $11.11 you can have your 2024 psychic reading at   www.etsy.com/shop/megspsychicreadings. Give it a whirl and find out when the Flying Spaghetti Monster might strike.

For more of Don Miller, go to https://www.amazon.com/stores/Don-Miller/author/B018IT38GM?ref=ap_rdr&store_ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true

Ruby’s Oyster Dressing…Well, Maybe.

/ cigarman501 / 3 Comments

“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.”
― Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance

I’m one of those guys who likes to leave Halloween and ease into Christmas. Are you aware that there is a holiday in between? Despite the Christmas decorations being sold at Wally World a week after the Independence Day celebration there is Thanksgiving to celebrate. Family, friends, football games and glorious food…and a turkey induced nap in the afternoon.

It is never too early to plan for the Thanksgiving feast. For some reason I was triggered…might have been a Butterball turkey advertisement or just the pig trails my mind wanders down.

In a time warp long, long ago, I sat down with my first set of in-laws for the traditional Thanksgiving feast. I would later have two different sets of in-laws before I finally got matrimony right, but this pig trail isn’t about in-laws or ex-wives; it is about oyster dressing…and a little forgiveness.

Oyster dressing. I had never had it before that fateful day…not unusual for me, I didn’t eat my first pizza until my freshman year in college and really didn’t understand the bounty I was receiving until the pizza arrived in front of me. I was truly “country come to town.” I continue to eat dishes I hadn’t heard of in the late Sixties…and a lot of them still resembles pizza.

To my sorrow and loss, I haven’t eaten oyster dressing since my first set of in-laws turned in to my first set of ex in-laws…ex-laws?

I intend to change this fact myself this year but have a quandary since my ex-mother-in-law is no longer in the land of the living. Which recipe?

Ruby isn’t around having gone to that great kitchen in the sky a couple of decades ago, and I’m not going to contact my first ex-wife, the red-headed one, to find out what the recipe was. She was not the stereotypical redhead, but I will take no chances.

What a conversation I’m having in my head with one of the many voices residing there:

“Hey, Dianne. Longtime no…see.

“Yeah, I know, I’m the scum of the earth but I do hope you are doing well.”

“Well, that’s a bit harsh.”

“Uh, I need a favor. I need Ruby’s oyster dressing recipe. Can you oblige me?”

“When hell freezes over, you say?”

No, I don’t think I’ll be making that phone call.

Instead of making the phone call from hell, I have perused many recipes online but none of them seem quite right…and stuffing ain’t dressin’! I think I’m going to have to combine certain parts of certain recipes into one. I thought I had found one, but it uses tarragon instead of sage. Who uses tarragon instead of sage in their cornbread dressing? Blasphemy to the angelic hands of my Southern foremothers…or is it heresy?

So, I require suggestions or maybe some gentle criticism. This to be a pretty simple recipe for a pretty simple process, I think. In the back of my head, I hear my grandmother’s voice saying, “It’s not about the process Boy, it is about the outcome.” I also hear her saying, “Nothing is ever as simple as it looks.”

Ingredients

8 cups crumbled cornbread. I will make my own the day before…or rather Linda will, and it will be made in a cast iron skillet.

1/2 teaspoon each, Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper.

3 1/2 cups chicken stock

6 large eggs

1/2 cup chopped Italian parsley, this I’m not sure of.

One large yellow onion, chopped.

4 stalks of celery, chopped.

5 cloves of garlic chopped.

1 teaspoon of dried sage, I might stub my toe and put in a little more, but I like sagey, sage dressing.

1 pint of small oysters and their juices.

Directions

Heat the oven to 350 degrees. Butter a 9- by 13-inch baking dish.

In a large cast-iron skillet, melt the butter over medium heat. (I might cheat and use a little bacon grease with the butter.)  When the butter is foamy, add the onion and celery, and cook, stirring frequently, until softened, 6 to 8 minutes.

Stir in the garlic and cook until aromatic, about 1 minute. Stir in the crumbled cornbread and cook, stirring, until lightly browned, then remove from the heat.

In a large bowl, beat the eggs until smooth. Whisk in the chicken stock, parsley, and sage. (I’m still not sure about the parsley.) Stir in the cornbread mixture and the oysters. Pour the dressing mixture into the prepared baking dish and bake until dressing is set and golden brown, about 1 hour. (Alternatively, cover the mixture and refrigerate overnight before baking. Cornbread will soak up more goodness.) Let rest for 5 minutes before serving.

***

Ruby, I’m gonna make this in your honor. You were a good mother-in-law…better than I was a husband to your daughter. Please forgive me. Uh, you wouldn’t want to come to me in a dream maybe and let me in on your recipe? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Don’s author’s page is at https://www.amazon.com/stores/Don-Miller/author/B018IT38GM?ref=ap_rdr&store_ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true

I Reckon I’m a Liberal

/ cigarman501 / 16 Comments

“No school can supply an anti-liberal education, or a fascist education, as these terms are contradictory. Liberalism and education are one.”
― George Seldes

This letter popped up on one of my memories last week. Being from South Carolina, I drew much criticism for my decision to come out of my conservative “closet.” To be honest, until the 2016 election I had been in denial. I always considered myself middle of the road but 2016 pushed me left of center, 2020 further, and if this lead up to the 2024 election cycle is any indication, my friends are thinking I’m standing next to Karl Marx. Well, at least we are still friends.

An open letter from Lori Gallager Witt to friends and family who are/were shocked to discover I’m a liberal…

This is going to be VERY long, so: I’m a liberal, I’ve always been a liberal, but that doesn’t mean what a lot of you apparently think it does.

Some of you suspected. Some of you were shocked. Many of you have known me for years, even the majority of my life. We either steadfastly avoided political topics, or I carefully steered conversations away from the more incendiary subjects in the name of keeping the peace. “I’m a liberal” isn’t really something you broadcast in social circles where “the liberals” can’t be said without wrinkling one’s nose.

But then the 2016 election happened, and staying quiet wasn’t an option anymore. Since then, I’ve received no shortage of emails and comments from people who were shocked, horrified, disappointed, disgusted, or otherwise displeased to realize I am *wrinkles nose* a liberal. Yep. I’m one of those bleeding heart commies who hates anyone who’s white, straight, or conservative, and who wants the government to dictate everything you do while taking your money and giving it to people who don’t work.

Or am I?

Let’s break it down, shall we? Because quite frankly, I’m getting a little tired of being told what I believe and what I stand for. Spoiler alert: Not every liberal is the same, though the majority of liberals I know think along roughly these same lines.

1. I believe a country should take care of its weakest members. A country cannot call itself civilized when its children, disabled, sick, and elderly are neglected. Period.

2. I believe healthcare is a right, not a privilege. Somehow that’s interpreted as “I believe Obamacare is the end-all, be-all.” This is not the case. I’m fully aware that the ACA has problems, that a national healthcare system would require everyone to chip in, and that it’s impossible to create one that is devoid of flaws, but I have yet to hear an argument against it that makes “let people die because they can’t afford healthcare” a better alternative. I believe healthcare should be far cheaper than it is, and that everyone should have access to it. And no, I’m not opposed to paying higher taxes in the name of making that happen.

3. I believe education should be affordable and accessible to everyone. It doesn’t necessarily have to be free (though it works in other countries so I’m mystified as to why it can’t work in the US), but at the end of the day, there is no excuse for students graduating college saddled with five- or six-figure debt.

4. I don’t believe your money should be taken from you and given to people who don’t want to work. I have literally never encountered anyone who believes this. Ever. I just have a massive moral problem with a society where a handful of people can possess the majority of the wealth while there are people literally starving to death, freezing to death, or dying because they can’t afford to go to the doctor. Fair wages, lower housing costs, universal healthcare, affordable education, and the wealthy actually paying their share would go a long way toward alleviating this. Somehow believing that makes me a communist.

5. I don’t throw around “I’m willing to pay higher taxes” lightly. I’m self-employed, so I already pay a shitload of taxes. If I’m suggesting something that involves paying more, that means increasing my already eye-watering tax bill. I’m fine with paying my share as long as it’s actually going to something besides lining corporate pockets or bombing other countries while Americans die without healthcare.

6. I believe companies should be required to pay their employees a decent, livable wage. Somehow this is always interpreted as me wanting burger flippers to be able to afford a penthouse apartment and a Mercedes. What it actually means is that no one should have to work three full-time jobs just to keep their head above water. Restaurant servers should not have to rely on tips, multibillion dollar companies should not have employees on food stamps, workers shouldn’t have to work themselves into the ground just to barely make ends meet, and minimum wage should be enough for someone to work 40 hours and live.

7. I am not anti-Christian. I have no desire to stop Christians from being Christians, to close churches, to ban the Bible, to forbid prayer in school, etc. (BTW, prayer in school is NOT illegal; *compulsory* prayer in school is – and should be – illegal) All I ask is that Christians recognize *my* right to live according to *my* beliefs. When I get pissed off that a politician is trying to legislate Scripture into law, I’m not “offended by Christianity” — I’m offended that you’re trying to force me to live by your religion’s rules. You know how you get really upset at the thought of Muslims imposing Sharia on you? That’s how I feel about Christians trying to impose biblical law on me. Be a Christian. Do your thing. Just don’t force it on me or mine.

8. I don’t believe LGBT people should have more rights than you. I just believe we should have the *same* rights as you.

9. I don’t believe illegal immigrants should come to America and have the world at their feet, especially since THIS ISN’T WHAT THEY DO (spoiler: undocumented immigrants are ineligible for all those programs they’re supposed to be abusing, and if they’re “stealing” your job it’s because your employer is hiring illegally.). I’m not opposed to deporting people who are here illegally, but I believe there are far more humane ways to handle undocumented immigration than our current practices (i.e., detaining children, splitting up families, ending DACA, etc).

10. I believe we should take in refugees, or at the very least not turn them away without due consideration. Turning thousands of people away because a terrorist might slip through is inhumane, especially when we consider what has happened historically to refugees who were turned away (see: MS St. Louis). If we’re so opposed to taking in refugees, maybe we should consider not causing them to become refugees in the first place. Because we’re fooling ourselves if we think that somewhere in the chain of events leading to these people becoming refugees, there isn’t a line describing something the US did.

11. I don’t believe the government should regulate everything, but since greed is such a driving force in our country, we NEED regulations to prevent cut corners, environmental destruction, tainted food/water, unsafe materials in consumable goods or medical equipment, etc. It’s not that I want the government’s hands in everything — I just don’t trust people trying to make money to ensure that their products/practices/etc are actually SAFE. Is the government devoid of shadiness? Of course not. But with those regulations in place, consumers have recourse if they’re harmed and companies are liable for medical bills, environmental cleanup, etc. Just kind of seems like common sense when the alternative to government regulation is letting companies bring their bottom line into the equation.

12. I believe our current administration is fascist. (The Trump Adminsistration) Not because I dislike them or because I’m butthurt over an election, but because I’ve spent too many years reading and learning about the Third Reich to miss the similarities. Not because any administration I dislike must be Nazis, but because things are actually mirroring authoritarian and fascist regimes of the past.

13. I believe the systemic racism and misogyny in our society is much worse than many people think, and desperately needs to be addressed. Which means those with privilege — white, straight, male, economic, etc — need to start listening, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing, so we can start dismantling everything that’s causing people to be marginalized.

14. I believe in so-called political correctness. Not because everyone is a delicate snowflake, but because as Maya Angelou put it, when we know better, we do better. When someone tells you that a term or phrase is more accurate/less hurtful than the one you’re using, you now know better. So why not do better? How does it hurt you to NOT hurt another person? Your refusal to adjust your vocabulary in the name of not being an asshole kind of makes YOU the snowflake.

15. I believe in funding sustainable energy, including offering education to people currently working in coal or oil so they can change jobs. There are too many sustainable options available for us to continue with coal and oil. Sorry, billionaires. Maybe try investing in something else.

I think that about covers it. Bottom line is that I’m a liberal because I think we should take care of each other. That doesn’t mean you should work 80 hours a week so your lazy neighbor can get all your money. It just means I don’t believe there is any scenario in which preventable suffering is an acceptable outcome as long as money is saved.

So, I’m a liberal.

(c) 2018 Lori Gallagher Witt. Feel free to share, but please give me credit, and if you add or change anything, please note accordingly.

Written in 2018, I find I am still a liberal in 2023. I also find this letter has been shared so much I am in good company.

Don Miller’s Author’s Page https://www.amazon.com/stores/Don-Miller/author/B018IT38GM?ref=ap_rdr&store_ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true