The girl child leaving the local gas station yelled “Hey, y’all watch ‘is” as she exited the entryway. I cringed but turned in time to see the eight or nine-year-old execute a perfect cartwheel. “Whew, that might have been a close one,” I thought. Usually, those words preface a much different outcome.
For those of you uninformed, “Hey y’all watch ‘is” are usually the last words from a good ole boy’s mouth just before meeting his maker. Living where I live, we have a bunch of good ole boys and I can tell you many have uttered those very words before reaping their heavenly rewards…or hellishly rewards.
An acquaintance of an acquaintance decided to strap a saddle to a high limb of a pine tree overlooking the lake his trailer was on. He would ride it during windstorms. Who thinks of such? Some of the best windstorms ’round here are associated with thunderstorms which can be quite violent.
This good ole boy forgot, or likely never knew, pines are a bit shallow-rooted and I’m sure his two hundred and eighty pounds upset the tree’s center of gravity. With the freshening breeze of a thunderstorm, his last words were, “Hey y’all watch ‘is”…just before the tree uprooted sending him to his just desserts. What no Darwin Award?
I have other acquaintances who follow the “Good Ole Boy Manifesto” which states clearly, “Any good time can be amplified by applying copious amounts of alcohol and having a deadly weapon nearby.” Shotguns and beer…what could go wrong?
A drunk Jethro loudly uttered, “Hey y’all watch ‘is” just before he attempted to emulate William Tell and shoot a PBR can off Bubba John’s head with a high-tech crossbow. Bubba John accurately called Jethro a dumbass when the first bolt fired destroyed an unoccupied snake aquarium three or four feet to the left of the intended target. The second shot was also to the left but only three or four inches…and two or three inches south. Bubba John doesn’t seem to miss that ear a bit and thankfully didn’t qualify for a Darwin.
These memories only come to mind because I have to crawl on top of my front porch roof this mawnin’. We received our first appreciable rain in six weeks yestidee. I’m tryin’ to get into character by usin’ words like mawnin’, yestidee and droppin’ my gees. Okay, I’ll quit. I’m not sure if it is yestidee or yesteedee anyway.
Praise be to the rain gods, but I found out that I have a leak over my front porch. Boo to the porch gods. I don’t understand. Rain, no leak, no rain, six weeks later, rain, leak. I must climb up upon it and look around. I don’t want one of those “watch this” moments and metal roofs can get slippery.
My initial thoughts are, I’m a good ole boy but I reckon if I don’t say, “Hey y’all watch ‘is” I should be okay…but then there was that chainsaw incident followed by the plate glass window incident…and a dozen or so other scrapes with death…or at least severe injury. Not one time did I utter the magic words…but then I’m not dead either. Those damn stitches sho nuff hurt and the concussion knocked me loopy…not that anyone really noticed.
One of my earliest remembrances of good ole boys doing stupid things was a local man who, as the story goes, thought he had run out of gas one night but wasn’t sure because the old Chevy’s gas gauge was non-functional. Undeterred he uncapped his gas tank and used his Zippo lighter to see if there was any gas left in the tank. This was before the advent of Darwin Awards but he sho nuff would have qualified.
For the uninformed, the Darwin Awards select individuals who have supposedly contributed to human evolution by selecting themselves out of the gene pool via death or sterilization by their own actions. I am desperate not to be an inductee.
For more other larks access Don Miller’s author’s page at https://www.amazon.com/Don-Miller/e/B018IT38GM
Image courtesy of https://www.dumpaday.com/funny-pictures/women-live-longer-men-28-pics/ “Why women live longer than men.” Take a look there are some funny ones…funny?