My early morning doctor’s appointment played hell with my gastro-intestinal system. “Excuse me I must avail myself to your facility.” “Straight through the door,” the pretty nurse directed. Do you hate to use public bathrooms as much as I do? What do we have here? Unisex? Oh wow! Male and Female figures so close together they could be holding hands, the symbols on the wall not couples actually in the bathroom. What symbol do we use for those who are not sure? Wait I just used it to end my question.

I knocked and entered and was treated to a spacious, clean and most importantly empty bathroom. I checked to make sure there were no perverts hiding in the cupboard. Nothing but toilet paper…no transgender females lurking in the shadows. Nothing but water in the toilet tank but DAMN THE LUCK, who left the lid down. Don’t they know…wait that’s the way it should be.

Because there was no reading material, I contemplated the squabbles being debated over bathroom use and thought about the arguments people had been using in the wake of transgender laws being enacted in several states. I don’t want my daughter or granddaughter in a bathroom, or any room, with a pervert or pedophile but what about the pervert or pedophile peeing with you in the next urinal over? We don’t seem to be too concerned about our male children. I have only had contact with one pedophile…that I know of…and that would be METAPHORICAL contact. The man in the three-piece suit and shiny wingtips asked, “Hey boy, you want to see some dirty pictures?” Yeah but where were the pictures of women?

My brother first alerted me of a theory that I will call the “shiny bauble” theory. Like a parakeet enamored with a shiny bell, we are given something insignificant and “shiny” to focus our energies on while the media, certain politicians or our government walks out the door with the silver. I believe it. So much about war on whites, Black Lives Matter, war on religion, war on gays and lesbians, war on marriage, war on cops, war on Beyoncé, etc. So little about…well take your pick. We probably should just call it war on humanity or maybe just a war on my sensibilities. To quote POGO, “We have met the enemy and it is us.”

Funny how we got through the last hundred years without bathrooms being an issue…well make that an issue for those of us with cognitive dissonance. Bathrooms have never been safe places even when they were one holers out by the barn. I would guess a lot more bullying has taken place in school bathrooms and locker rooms than anywhere else but it is better just to ignore it. Right! Leave it alone and it will only get worse.

Nothing more than shiny baubles to keep me from asking myself, “Did I put the toilet lid down when I left?”

Don Miller has also written three books which may be purchased or downloaded at

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