“Yes, ma’am, No, ma’am, Thank you, ma’am, Please!” The little ditty echos inside of my head like basketballs rebounding off of walls. We’re tryin’ to help our daughter and son in law teach our grandbabies to consistently say “Yes, ma’am, Yes, sir….” My bride, Grandmommy Linda, is big on this little saying which is why it is repeating over and over again like a never-ending loop.
In the world we presently live in, the learning process is somewhat tougher than it used to be.
Etiquette is not a Southern exclusive but there was a time when Southerners of any class, race, or religious affiliation displayed good manners. It was a priority. Our good manners were a badge of pride. Remember “Southern Hospitality?” We seem to be less hospitable these days, displaying poor manners.
I don’t mean knowing which spoon or fork to use, outside in folks, but the polite, “good” manners which seem to be eroding as I write this. Some folks would ask, “Who died and made you Lord of the Manners?” It’s my blog and I’ll rant if I want to.
When I coached, I periodically admonished my charges to “Remember where you come from (your parents), who you are representing (your parents, your school, me), and what you stand for. (Truth, Justice, and the American Way?)” In other words, “Don’t disappoint your mommas and daddies.” Disappointing momma was a big deal. Good behavior was an expectation and most of the time it was realized. That included baseball caps taken off inside the building and worn with the bill pointing forward. I am old school.
It seems we have misplaced our manners and please don’t think I’m denigrating today’s generation; I’m not. They are not the guilty ones. Erosion takes place over time and today’s generation reflects what they are being taught and those who taught them…or didn’t. Some of us are failing our charges, failing the next generation, and this has been going on for multiple generations.
Please don’t point a finger, blow out your chest, and pontificate, “Not me!” We can all do better and there is no one cause. That being said….
I happened upon an article in Southern Living, “20 Unspoken Rules of Etiquette That Every Southerner Follows.” Should have said, “used to follow” but to their defense, it was an old article.
Using today’s world view some of these seemed Draconian. If you read the article one might think most Southern manners revolve around eating and they do. I learned most of mine while eating fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, and washing it down with sweet tea so sugary it set my teeth on edge.
I’ll come back to the article in a bit, but I just had a thought. The undermining of Southern manners may have coincided with the rise of fast-food eateries specializing in fried chicken. KFC, Chick-fil-a, Popeyes, Spinx…wait…Spinx?
Spinx is a glorified gas station founded in South Carolina offering gas, oil and about anything else you might need to outfit a wilderness trek through the Australian Outback. Offerings also include slow service but pretty good Southern fried chicken. You know the kind, crisp and greasy at the same time.
The problem is not Spinx but what I call “stand up food”. The food rests on waxed paper and you stand around eating out of cute little pasteboard “boats” in red and white checkerboard. Greasy fingers wiped on dirty jeans; baseball caps still perched backward on heads kind of food. There’s the problem. There isn’t a table to learn your manners around and the people you are eating with have no better manners than you do.
Once upon a time, Grandmamma went out and chopped the chicken’s head off, gutted it, dipped it in boiling water and plucked it clean. All before she got around to cutting it up, dipping each individual piece in the batter of her choice and frying it to a golden brown. You damn well were going to sit at a table, “minding your manners”, while you ate it.
If you didn’t mind your manners, you might find yourself going to bed without your supper instead of waiting for the adults to be served so you could get your chicken wing. I was twenty-five before I evah got a pully bone. Manners have eroded with the death of the sit-down, family meal.
Matching the world we live in, we have become grab and go consumers. I am just as guilty of grabbing a piece of pepperoni pizza after gassing up my truck…having never left the gas station.
Let’s look at the article, shall we? I won’t hit all the points because I am assuming you can read as well if not better than I can write. These are just some “manners” that were hammered into my head…or beaten into my backside.
“Never eat with your mouth open or talk with your mouth full” Son, you are sprayin’ food everywhere! At least cover your mouth. Alternative reminder, “Children should be seen and nevah, evah heard.”
“Get your elbows off the table! If you are that tired you can go on to bed.” As I stood in line at the local Chick-fil-a, I saw a bunch of folks who needed a nap.
“Never wear a hat to the table…or inside a building.” This one…! For some reason this is the pinnacle of rudeness for no other reason than my father, who worked in a greasy, lint filled cotton mill weave room, always removed his hat when he entered the cafeteria. It was the polite thing to do and if I didn’t remove mine it might be nailed to my head ala Vlad the Impaler.
Addendum, “Always take your hat off in the presence of a lady…and all women are ladies until proven otherwise.” If the sun was particularly bright and hot, one might get away with a simple tug on the bill or brim and a nod. Sunstroke and sunburn trumps manners.
“Never sing or whistle at the table or talk about unpleasantries.” This one was tough if asked, “Did you behave at school today?” Sometimes the answer might prove to be unpleasant in regard to the response. I didn’t understand the singin’ or whistlin’ but never did I….
Addendum for the next eight months, “Nevah, evah talk politics at the supper table.” Definite unpleasantries.
It seems like there are many Southern manners related to gender, doors, and entries…”Ladies and girls first”, “Always open the door for a woman, a girl or your elders”, “Adult ladies first in the food line”, “Always stand when a woman enters the room (and when she sits, stands or leaves the room} and pull out the chair and help her seat herself.” Not that she needs help, it is just the gentlemanly thing to do. I think assisted seatings dates from the days of corsets and layer upon layer of petticoats and crinolines.
I ran afoul of the “opening the door” thing back in the late Sixties when I opened the library door for a cute, little coed. There was an ulterior motive. This was during the “burn your bra” period of history. She burned me a new one and it wasn’t a bra. Turns out she needed no help from a man. I knew such but old habits are hard to break. I still open the door for my wife, and she seems to appreciate it.
“Never go to a gathering empty-handed.” The South is the casserole and banana puddin’ capital of the world for this very reason. It doesn’t matter if it is a house warmin’ or a funeral, bring something other than yourself.
Politeness, civility, and graciousness seem to be the casualties of today’s war on political correctness. Bullying, apathy, and indifference have replaced our good manners. I don’t know we will ever get them back. In lieu of manners, just be kind.
Please feel free to add any you are enamored with, in the comments section. I’d love to hear from you. Y’all hurry back now.
The article may be accessed at https://www.southernliving.com/culture/unspoken-etiquette-rules
Don Miller’s author’s page may be accessed at https://www.amazon.com/Don-Miller/e/B018IT38GM
8 thoughts on “Etiquette Lost”
Saying “thank you” a lot goes a long way.
Thank you for a good essay!
I’m Old School, too. It’s such a pity that simple acts of politeness and courtesy have fallen out of style.
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Excellent! I agree!
When people live with an attitude of gratitude and respect for life, family, God, country, etc…etiquette seems to fall into place.
And to treat others like we want to be treated, speak to others like we want to be spoken to, etc., really does make life the way I think it was meant to be.
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The Golden Rule is good to live by. Thanks for stopping by.
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Yes, indeed. you have scored some major points with this post. I did a similar one called the Lost Art of Manners. I am thankful that I am a baby boomer and was raised in a time where good manners was taught at home, in schools and in public.
Excellent post…..good points for people to consider…..my daughter and now my granddaughter were taught manners….I think every child needs to be taught them chuq
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I know I’m “late to the party” with this comment. Maybe that’s because I operate on “Jewish standard time”. I have always said that meant at least ten minutes until I binged it just now and found that the origin and the actual “standard” time period for tardiness seem to vary. On a related subject, during a visit to some professional office or other in the Nashville area, I stumbled across a magazine that, given it’s title, surely just had to be a joke! The magazine was “Garden & Gun”. I don’t know any individuals who subscribed to it but to this day I am still shaking my head that such a publication, with a title that juxtaposes, in my mind anyway, two opposite ends of the civilization spectrum, actually exists and dare I say thrives. I guess those terms may be related in the mind of a Southerner, but to this California girl it’s just wrong to use them together on a masthead!
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I’m chuckling. I actually was given a subscription to “Garden & Guns”. It is geared toward Southern hunters, fishermen, and gardeners and not nearly as bad as it sounds. It is very much like “Southern Living.” Has good articles about food, music, and puppy dogs. Again, I’m chuckling. Oh, I’m not a hunter. I am a gardener and a fisherman.